Mental illness, grief and disability.

Mental illness, grief and disability: What not to say.

These are really big topics and all I can touch on is my personal experience.
We often wonder what to say when confronted with these issues in our friends and family, and over the years I've heard some "great" advice.

Mental Illness.

"Christians don't get depression"

You're not trusting God enough and your faith is weak, is what usually follows this statement. So christians don't get bi polar? Or any Personality Disorders? Or Brain Injuries?
It doesn't take much of a trip down the trail that follows this logic to see it's pretty flawed. It somehow follows that you bring this upon yourself with your own lack of faith.

 Old Man With his Head in his Hands. Van Gogh 1882

"I'm not the sort of person to get depression".

Somehow it's often thought only negative, weaker people find themselves depressed. 

It can happen to anyone, anytime. Winston Churchill, a great example. A dynamic, active, intelligent and strong man who was plagued with the black dog.

Same is true of anxiety disorder. It's not just a thing that affects nervy, anxious personality types. It doesn't care about your personality, which is why lots of military and police force workers can get it (pretty tough guys).

"Stephen Frys got bipolar."

I've had very little personal experience with bipolar, but a recent Australian Story about TV producer Adam Boland was interesting. When diagnosed with this disorder his mum gave him a list of famous people with bipolar. Google image famous bipolar and lots of really cool people come up.

I don't know if this helped Adam or his mum. Does this make it better and more acceptable than say...  Personality Disorder, Cognitive Disorder or Delusions? Google image 'Paranoid Schizophrenic Personality Disorder famous', and the images aren't so pretty.

While it is always incredibly helpful to know you're not alone in your difficulties,  to look at Steven Fry all smiling, intelligent and functional hosting a tv show probably isn't all that helpful.

Grief.

"You've got to move on."

While this was true for Dicken's Miss Haversham, I think it's far less common in real life than fiction, and even if it is the case is extremely unhelpful to say to someone.

Grief isn't some noxious weed in the garden of our personality that must be rooted out and poisoned at every opportunity. It's something that needs to be there and can be there for many years. Some griefs are life long and are lived with not got over. Particularly the parent/ child loss. The child losing a parent and the parent losing a child. You never 'get over' these.

We talk about our families all the time.
"How's your parents doing?"
"Where are your kids now?"
It can be really difficult for both parties, but maybe the bereaved need to talk about their loved ones too? Ask the widow to tell you about her husband. And then just listen and listen some more.

Disability.

"I saw that disabled guy on tv last night who climbed Mt Everest. What's your problem, why don't you do stuff like that?"

Comedian, journalist and disability advocate Stella Young who died at age 32 last year dreamed of a society where people with a disability who studied, worked and achieved great things were conventional, even ordinary.
http://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/comedy/stella-young-dead-comedian-abc-journalist-and-disability-advocate-dies-at-32-20141208-122ch8.html


Sometimes I think that stories in the media don't help the cause. Everybody loves a feel good story about overcoming the odds. But this is usually not the full story. It's a media snap. And great things don't have to be climbing mountains and competing in the Olympics.
All disabilities are so different and all big achievements don't look the same. Comparing them and judging is wrong.
"You're so brave" "you're so lazy" "You should be doing ......."
The mentally or physically disabled are doing the best they can just like the rest of us.